Victor Borkowski (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
skinofalizard) wrote2012-05-20 04:47 am
skinofalizard) wrote2012-05-20 04:47 am
(no subject)
So, Julian asked me for a relationship meme in the CFO post. And I started writing it.
So, Victor, obviously, considers Julian one of his best friends in Camp. The horrible truth is Santo will forever be his best friend, but Julian is right up there, too. He was actually surprised when Julian apologized for being a crappy friend and not just because Julian apologizing for anything is astounding, but because he actually doesn't think Julian has been a crappy friend. Victor's "I wish I could still talk to you" remark was actually being placed firmly on his own shoulders. In his mind he is the horrible friend.
That sounds ridiculous considering I just said he thinks of Julian as one of his best friends, I know. He probably wouldn't even be able to articulate why he thinks that, but it is because Julian needs more, in terms of support, than any of the other kids in camp and Victor really wants to help! Because that's how he deals himself even if it is the most unhealthy. So every time Julian locks himself in their room or flips out about the bed situation and sleeps on the couch or rushes off to deal with things on his own, Victor feels like he has failed.
But then there are times where he feels like it’s working, when he and Julian are together and not fighting, whether they’re talking or not, and he feels like maybe this time is the time that Julian will actually be okay. And it’s those times that he is the most okay, too. And sometimes there are even little glimmers of who they used to be before everything turned to shit and they all were friends instead of a codependent group of fear and issues. That, probably, is when Victor is happiest. When it’s most like what it was Before. Not necessarily just with Julian, but it’s with Julian and Alani that that feeling is strongest, since they’re the two he was closest with.
And then Julian flew off to confront the Phoenix on his own and landed in a coma. And he will die before he lets Julian get hurt by her again. Obviously, Victor would die to protect any of his friends, because Victor’s a true Hero whether he wants to be or not, but now he feels like he has something he needs to prove to Julian. Victor couldn’t help Julian against the Phoenix, and he couldn’t help Julian afterwards, in the hospital. He even needed to be helped by Julian in the hospital. And now he is convinced that Julian doesn’t think he can be relied on for something on this level. So Victor will prove him wrong and show Julian he can be counted on for anything.
NOW THE THING YOU ACTUALLY WANTED TO KNOW
First things first: Victor actually, for real, does not like like Julian Keller. Oh, sure, if any of them could say things like this, he’d say he loves Julian. But he also loves Alani, and Cess, and Josh, and Sofia, etc etc. They’re family. They’re all any of them has. Of course he loves Julian. He was, however, confused about it briefly, and thought that maybe he did like him in a more romantic way. But! What Victor actually liked was being topped by him.
It wasn’t even the physical aspect of it, although that was good too not that he’ll ever admit it. It was the fact that Victor, who spends every single waking moment Being There for other people, and being a means of support for them and being in control of things could, even for a short while, finally just let go and let someone else be in control.
The fact that it was Julian made it even more important, really. Victor breaks his life into two parts: Before (everything went to shit) and After (everything went to shit) (part of the reason he’s so close to Santo is that Santo has a way of getting rid of Before and After and making everything about Now – but this isn’t about Santo and Victor). Obviously, he knew all of the X-Kids Before, but Julian and Alani are the only ones in Camp that were really close to Victor in both of those categories. More than anyone, they knew who he was Before, and what he’s turned into After. Julian gets him in a way that very few people can anymore.
In his weaker moments, he thinks they should do it again without mistletoe, just so they can each get what they need—Julian can get the attention he craves, Victor can just Let Go again with someone that gets him both Before and After, and maybe they could both relax and be okay. But then he realizes what a horrible idea that would be, and how it would only compound the codependence.
Plus Sofia would probably suck all the air out of his lungs if he tried.
So, Victor, obviously, considers Julian one of his best friends in Camp. The horrible truth is Santo will forever be his best friend, but Julian is right up there, too. He was actually surprised when Julian apologized for being a crappy friend and not just because Julian apologizing for anything is astounding, but because he actually doesn't think Julian has been a crappy friend. Victor's "I wish I could still talk to you" remark was actually being placed firmly on his own shoulders. In his mind he is the horrible friend.
That sounds ridiculous considering I just said he thinks of Julian as one of his best friends, I know. He probably wouldn't even be able to articulate why he thinks that, but it is because Julian needs more, in terms of support, than any of the other kids in camp and Victor really wants to help! Because that's how he deals himself even if it is the most unhealthy. So every time Julian locks himself in their room or flips out about the bed situation and sleeps on the couch or rushes off to deal with things on his own, Victor feels like he has failed.
But then there are times where he feels like it’s working, when he and Julian are together and not fighting, whether they’re talking or not, and he feels like maybe this time is the time that Julian will actually be okay. And it’s those times that he is the most okay, too. And sometimes there are even little glimmers of who they used to be before everything turned to shit and they all were friends instead of a codependent group of fear and issues. That, probably, is when Victor is happiest. When it’s most like what it was Before. Not necessarily just with Julian, but it’s with Julian and Alani that that feeling is strongest, since they’re the two he was closest with.
And then Julian flew off to confront the Phoenix on his own and landed in a coma. And he will die before he lets Julian get hurt by her again. Obviously, Victor would die to protect any of his friends, because Victor’s a true Hero whether he wants to be or not, but now he feels like he has something he needs to prove to Julian. Victor couldn’t help Julian against the Phoenix, and he couldn’t help Julian afterwards, in the hospital. He even needed to be helped by Julian in the hospital. And now he is convinced that Julian doesn’t think he can be relied on for something on this level. So Victor will prove him wrong and show Julian he can be counted on for anything.
NOW THE THING YOU ACTUALLY WANTED TO KNOW
First things first: Victor actually, for real, does not like like Julian Keller. Oh, sure, if any of them could say things like this, he’d say he loves Julian. But he also loves Alani, and Cess, and Josh, and Sofia, etc etc. They’re family. They’re all any of them has. Of course he loves Julian. He was, however, confused about it briefly, and thought that maybe he did like him in a more romantic way. But! What Victor actually liked was being topped by him.
It wasn’t even the physical aspect of it, although that was good too not that he’ll ever admit it. It was the fact that Victor, who spends every single waking moment Being There for other people, and being a means of support for them and being in control of things could, even for a short while, finally just let go and let someone else be in control.
The fact that it was Julian made it even more important, really. Victor breaks his life into two parts: Before (everything went to shit) and After (everything went to shit) (part of the reason he’s so close to Santo is that Santo has a way of getting rid of Before and After and making everything about Now – but this isn’t about Santo and Victor). Obviously, he knew all of the X-Kids Before, but Julian and Alani are the only ones in Camp that were really close to Victor in both of those categories. More than anyone, they knew who he was Before, and what he’s turned into After. Julian gets him in a way that very few people can anymore.
In his weaker moments, he thinks they should do it again without mistletoe, just so they can each get what they need—Julian can get the attention he craves, Victor can just Let Go again with someone that gets him both Before and After, and maybe they could both relax and be okay. But then he realizes what a horrible idea that would be, and how it would only compound the codependence.
Plus Sofia would probably suck all the air out of his lungs if he tried.
no subject